[23 Dec 2008|11:21pm] [ mood | contemplative ] Who I am--has changed. Grand, elemental perspective shift, changed. A revelation of magnitude I cannot express ^_^; but must be noted (as I just have). I no longer hate "potential." All those years I have heard about this "potential," and that I'm not living up to it, or that with an extreme degree of effort I could achieve greatness at such and such, I have hated hearing that word, especially applied to me. My viewpoint has altered. Now I laugh. Because, good with bad, I have also examined the why this has come about. At its most basic, it's because I'm older. Really, it is. A few years can make a difference. There's more to it than that, but--think about it--as you age, I'm sure you want to hear that there is yet more for you in times ahead. In grade school, I was happy with who I was, and angry that no one else agreed with my self-worth. Their apparent perspectives wore me down; I lost most of that satisfaction with who I was. However, I am stubborn about some things, and who I am is one of them. Do NOT try to change me. [note: my defensiveness on this is from clinging to self-esteem despite not enough peer positive reinforcement and other factors. It has been essential to my survival as a person, therefore, near-irreversibly central to my identity. NOT to be lightly challenged.] Change happens when I'm not paying attention, though... So many years of hearing about "potential" has always been interpreted as not good enough or too much work; I'm a bit lazy, you know. I do not want to hear that I am not good enough or need to work harder, particularly when I am giving a lot of effort. Lately, though, another side, the keep-options-open aspect of potential, has nearly won out. Delay of choice, not collapsing possibilities, multiple available paths...potential. It may seem obvious, but it really, really wasn't. The negative side of this, is that I believe more in potential because I am less satisfied with me. I was considerably unhappy in college and am not a good or diligent student; I left, and it was a good thing. Good overall, but a severe blotch on my psyche nevertheless. A stronger regret with the more time passes, and an equally firm certainty that I would do no better, and therefore, worse. I should have been, but am not that person. It still smarts. If someone tells me now that I have potential, it will likely still come with a sting, but it is something I, hmm, also want/need to hear. And all futures need not be evil. Who knew? And, yes, I am ultimately? a pessimist. Hard to believe this is more important to journal than any actual event you might care about, but there it is. :p Comment, though, and I'll have to keep coming back, and you'll undoubtedly hear much more. <3 1 comment|post comment

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